Charity Race

Intro
Jason: Hello and welcome Celestial Expanse, a real play D&D podcast set in the Celestial Expanse universe. My name is Jason, and I'll be playing everyone's favorite heretic elf, Theran. Tonight, you'll witness much chicanery, tomfoolery, and if you're lucky, maybe even some ballyhoo. But now I want to introduce the Prime Minister of Sinister, the Foreman of Fornicating Skyward, the Numero Uno of rolling numero uno, some random guy named Matthew. Matt: Hey. Jason: Thanks, Matthew. Ben, playing Rell. Ben, toilet paper: under or over? Ben: Uhhhhhh... Rebecca: You will be judged harshly on how you answer this. Ben: Over? Jason: Under? Ben: Over. Jason: Over? Rebecca: Good. Mitch: He sounded so unsure. Jason: Rebecca! Ben: Not sure which was which. Jason: - playing the kind and generous Martle. When do bones stop growing in the female body Rebecca? Rebecca: Uhhhh, I wanna - I wanna say sometime in your 20s? Jason: Boston, playing our favorite shrub Juniper. Would you rather look like a potato, or feel like a potato? Boston? Rebecca: You're muted. Boston: Hello, sorry, it was frozen. So as was requested, someone asked for fish facts, so the fish fact is - Jason: I'm asking you a question here, focus. Boston: No, I don't wanna answer that question. Jason: Would you rather look like a potato, or feel like a potato? Boston: I am a potato, ho. Jason: Except that - Ryan: So you could say that Idaho, got it. Jason: Do you know, Boston, that friendly fire isn't. Natalia, playing Z. Who is considered the greatest Russian poet, Natalia? Natalia: Me myself and I, obviously. And I also do want to know Boston's fish fact, so we are gonna get back to that. Jason: Mitch, playing Z-rial. Mitch, did you know that DMHP is a synthetic version of marijuana developed by the US military in 1949? The effects of the drugs can be lasting for days. Mitch: Did not know, that is interesting. Jason: Lastly, Ryan, playing Master Ryu. Which president made father's day a national holiday Ryan? Ryan: No idea but you can call me father, but everyone else can call me daddy. Rebecca: Noooooo. Nooooo. Natalia: Spad. Rebecca: No! Ryan: I am the spworst. Mitch: Yes daddy. Rebecca: No! Natalia: Of course Mitchel did it, of course Mitchel did it. Jason: The answers are: bones stop growing in the female body around 17, a year or so old. Rebecca: I know biology. Jason: The greatest Russian poet is obviously Pushkin, and Nixon made father's day a national holiday. Ryan: Brutal. Jason: Back to you, Matt. Matt: We also have a special guest with us, BBPheonix who's playing as Fawkes, the brother of - Natalia: Yay! Matt: - of Space Dad, better known as Master Ryu. Jason: BBPheonix, would you think that people pee in the shower and lie about it, or just pee in the shower? Natalia: Really. BBPheonix: It's both. Jason: I prefer pee in the shower and lie about it. Ryan: I *inaudible* in the shower and pee in the shower. BBPheonix: The answer is, they're fine either way, so. Jason: I will have you know that I asked this question before, and Natalia not only proudly pees in the shower, but then claims it, at all times, no lying at all, so. Just know that if you shower before, after, or with her, it might be more than one shower, buddy. Rebecca: Nooooo! No! Jason: Back to you, Matt! Matt: Okay, so - Natalia: Wait, before we start, can I request Boston's fish fact? Ryan: I request Boston's fish facts, too. Rebecca: Yes, fish facts! Ryan: The motion is passed. Boston: So, betta fish and gourami are in the same general species, and both of these fish are called labyrinth breathing fish, so they can take in air from the surface of the water as well as build bubble nests in which they put their eggs in. Natalia: Huh. Rebecca: Bubble nests are very cool looking. Mitch: Oh! Boston: My boy builds very wonderful bubble nests. Jason: Would you like to hear more marijuana facts Mitch? Mitch: No, I thought of a conversation me and Natalia were having about natural glass how lightning strikes the beach and I really wanted to see how it looked, and I just remembered it, I was gonna - Natalia: You were looking it up? Mitch: - I was about to google it. Jason: We used to find some in North Carolina after storms, near a place called Bag's Head. Natalia: Yup. Jason: Which, oddly enough, was named through the pirates' attempt to get ships to ground themselves by tying lanterns to horse's heads and claiming that they had been run aground, causing the ships to run aground and then they would plunder their ship. Mitch: Huh. Natalia: Strange.

Episode Description
The Crew get an urgent message and invitation to a great race for a even greater prize. What's the worst that can happen...oh...

Summary
The crew has just left the asteroid when they get a message from Master Ryu saying they need to come to Mercy, quickly. They pilot Jörmungandr to Mercy, and cause quite a commotion with their gigantic ship. After about 40 minutes they're allowed to land on the pillar where Ryu lives. Ryu meets them at the dock. Martle asks why they're here, and Ryu says they forgot something for one of her crew last time they were here.

They go into Ryu's overcrowded office, where Fawkes is waiting. Ryu tells them there's a big race coming up and he needs a crew to help him win the prize money. There is also a grand prize of a material he could use to make Z a better arm, with the help of a druid of the machine.

In the race, they have to navigate the wastelands outside the city, with their lethal flora and fauna, launch into space, pick a shorter, more dangerous path or a longer, safer path, refuel at an asteroid, make their way back along their chosen space path, and land back in the city.

Ryu says Z is banned from alcohol, but Fawkes slips her a bottle of firewhiskey.

The battlewagon Fawkes designed has a hammer for the front, an axe for the back, a sniper rifle on the bottom for Theran, another sniper rifle/grappling hook on the back for Zarial, explosives in the nosecap for Rell, and an advanced hacking system for Juniper. Fawkes also stole a bullet with a warding glyph from Ryu to put in the wagon. It also has a cupholder at every station.

Race day arrives. Among the racers are a freelance pirate crew and a crew of Mentaru piloting a bugbear-esque ship with goblins at the guns. Ryu's rival is a group of dwarves. They agree on the usual stakes: whoever loses buys the next drink. They've been doing this bet for 45 years. The dwarf's wagon looks like a big hunk of metal, with no visible weapons, but it looks like it can take a hit. The pirate crew's ship looks like a glass jar with a sort of jelly, like a space jam. The Coalition of Humanity, with greyish uniforms, have a wagons that looks like a strange creature that came out of the sea. As they show it off, part of it extends and grabs something with razor sharp teeth, and pulls back. A group of orcs are helping out some goblins with something involving lots of explosions.

The race begins, and near the first bend they see a monster emerge. It looks like a giant, legless bug with powerful, radioactive wings. It swallows the Mentaru vessel whole, then spits it out in the crew's path, and another creatures spits out radioactive goo. The crew attack the ships around them and fend off attacks of their own. Juniper Shatters the jam jar ship, also taking out the dwarves and one of the creatures. One ship has all but one of its tires shot out and crawls slowly along the track. Rell shoots the only other remaining ship, taking it out of the race. Ryu's ship is declared the winner before they reach the second leg.

Ryu's crew took 1st place, Space Jam took 2nd, and Coalition of Humanity took 3rd. Ryu receives a coupon for Spadamantite. This is the 250th year running that the racers didn't make it past the first leg. A camera crew comes to interview Ryu. The dwarf gives Ryu his barrel of booze.

Ryu makes Z's new arm out of sleek spadamantite, made for her specifically. He got the blueprint from a druid of the machine. She can replicate infinite handaxes from her shoulder and launch her fist to grapple foes, then pull herself towards them. The instructions are wrapped around a bottle of Space Dad firebrand whiskey, with a note that says drink responsibly. Z is overjoyed, laughing and crying.

Theran wandered away and picks the lock of the trunk of Ryu's car. Ryu spots him, but holds up one finger and turns away. He sees a few weapons, but discovers a false bottom. Inside is a big briefcase, containing a pistol. It's not a longbow, so Theran leaves it and closes the trunk.

New Information

 * Ryu has gone completely bald.
 * Ryu's other brother is a warlock.
 * Lyra is apparently on tour.
 * Companies have dumped toxic waste products outside the cities in such high amounts that the monsters that live there have mutated to be able to swallow spaceships, and the planet is uninhabitable outside of the obelisks.
 * Mercy is a corporate world, and there usually isn't any entertainment, just work.
 * Some companies capture the giant bugs with radioactive wings to test armor.
 * Ryu also has a gun named Brunhilde, a high powered sniper rifle with three bullets with 6th level glyph of warding.

Memorable Quotes
Jason: Oh now she's trying to back off of it, say "who says I pee in the shower" you said who doesn't!

Jason: I'm failing to see anything in the shop that looks like a longbow.

Ryu: You were on the ship you are doing research - Matt: We must do research. Ryu: Dude I gave you that do not take this away from me.

Ryu: So, Zarial, do you wish to join us in this race or do you want to sit out like a punk. Zarial: Uh, I'll be a punk and just join anyway.

Boston: It's not stealing unless you know.

Ryu: If you say one more thing about it, we are going to have a little bit of a problem, after I leave you in the dust. Dwarf: Is that a height joke? Ryu: No it wasn't, but thanks for adding that one, double burn on your part.

Matt: You guys were a lot more aggressive than I was expecting. Ryan: Whoa, wait, who the fuck are you talking to again? This is the most aggressive group of people I've ever had to fucking deal with. And I'm me.

Trivia

 * The Space Jam wagon was proposed by spoodlenoodle.
 * Matt made three legs for the race, but they didn't get past the first one.
 * Z's new arm is sleek spadamantite, made for her specifically. He got the blueprint from a druid of the machine. With a bonus action she can replicate a handaxe and throw it. At the shoulder is a shield with hammer and tongs. Once per day, she can launch a fist out of her arm with a cable attached to it to grapple someone. If they fail, she can launch herself toward that enemy she's grappled.
 * Ryu has not gotten away from murder. (Yet.)
 * Rell's arm does double damage with its shock, which Ben did not know.
 * The full intro is both very long and very dirty. It gets even dirtier.