Episode 53 - Hoho Juice

Intro
Jason: Hello and welcome Celestial Expanse, a real play D&D podcast set in the Celestial Expanse universe. My name is Jason, that's all you really need to know. But I will also be playing everyone's favorite heretic elf, Theran. Tonight, you will witness much chicanery, tomfoolery, ballyhoo and perhaps skullduggery, but now I want to introduce the Prime Minister of Sinister, the Foreman of Fornicating Skyward, the Numero Uno of rolling numero uno, and the one who just dropped off the entire list of most hated GM in podcast history, our friendly neighborhood GM, Matthew. How are you tonight, Matthew? Matt: Excuse me as I put in a doomsday device right now. Jason: *inaudible* Rebecca: Ooh, only if we get to use the doomsday device. Jason: That'll be fun. Matt: Nope. Rebecca: Destruction! Crimes! Crimes! Jason: Crime! Yeah. Yup, it's always about crimes. Ben playing Rell, what's poppin' G? Ben: Uh, hi. Jason: Rebecca, who is playing our friendly, fun-loving Martle. Bore us with bunny facts Rebecca! Rebecca: Jackrabbits have been clocked at speeds of 45 miles per hour. Matt: What the fuck. Natalia: Yeah, wow that's insane. Rebecca: They go nyoom. Natalia: They go nyoom. Jason: Boston, who's half-ass playing Juniper. What say you? Boston: Anarchyyyyyyy. Jason: What does that even mean? Natalia, playing Z. What ho, Natalia. Natalia (mouth full): We are the new world people. Jason: You said that with your mouth crazy-ass full, like you didn't know you were gonna be talking. Natalia (mouth even fuller): I did. I did. Jason: So full. Rammed a hoho in there and just tried to introduce her damn self. Natalia (mouth still full): *inaudible* Jason: Lastly, Mitch playing Z-rial. Was geht, Mitch? You're on mute. Natalia (mouth extremely full): That is not working. Jason: That whole house is a dumpster fire, one's got a hoho in her mouth, the other one's on mute. *pause* Mitch: I'm here! Jason: Woooow. Just, wow. Take it away, Matt, save us from that bullshit! Matt: Okay, um - Mitch: I'm on push to talk and my push to talk wasn't working, so I had to switch the button. Rebecca: Rip. Jason: You have to mash to talk, mash to talk! Mitch: I was! It wasn't working, it was just typing!

Episode Description
The Crew makes it into the black hole and are presented with ancient secrets they were not prepared for.

Summary
The episode begins where the last episode left off, with the crew entering a white space inside a black hole, with a station up ahead. Theran attempts to go to the medical bay, but runs into a forcefield. He argues briefly with Jörmungandr, claiming in the exchange that Martle wanted him to play doctor with her. At this, Jörmungandr withdraws the turrets he had pointed at Theran, believing he is Martle's mate.

Juniper's monitors light up with information, and Jörmungandr identifies the station as the temple of Onin, his old friend, a dragon of the winds. He created the celestial winds that cause the galaxy to spin. Theran asks if Onin is the most ancient, and Jörmungandr says no, he is the most ancient dragon. Jörmungandr says Onin sacrificed his eye to create the winds of this galaxy, and the crew is now inside Onin's eye. The crew remembers to look for the Catalyst, and Rell helps Jörmungandr dock. He scratches the paint, and Jörmungandr bans him from helping dock again.

The tunnel leading to the airlock is transparent, so they are able to see the temple as they approach. It resembles a huge castle carved from obsidian, with a white dragon's head on the door facing them. It has four golden horns and one missing eye. The door shifts slightly as Martle approaches with a greeting, but does not open as they push it. Z loudly announces that she is Martle, captain of the Jörmungandr, and the door shifts again. They read "Temple of Onin, dragon god of the wind" on the door, and Martle deduces they should blow on it. Juniper uses Thaumaturgy to create wind, and when Martle joins in, the wind picks up and the door opens.

Inside, the walls are covered in murals. One depicts Onin holding the galaxy in one claw, wind swirling around him; it also shows the Ancients, which did indeed resemble Tieflings, both worshiping him and studying. Juniper can read the High Primordial on the walls, which says that Onin taught the Ancients the knowledge they used to conquer the galaxy. Across the room, Zarial finds a handprint device next to a door. Written by it is "Through strength of faith, I grant you knowledge, and through strength of knowledge, I give you the winds of your future" in High Primordial. Zarial puts his hand on the scanner, but nothing happens. Juniper tries, and feels her hand pulled into the wall. It feels like wind is going through her hand, and when she is able to withdraw it, she has a tattoo on her wrist, representing wind. The door opens, and the next room contains giant metal statues bearing weapons, guarding the next door. As Martle approaches, red lights appear under their visors, and a warning starts flashing on Juniper's NID, saying "2 large power sources ahead of you powering on." Z sees one of the statues raising a gun, and ineffectively attempts to tackle Martle, shouting a warning. The statues attack them, though one of their rifles' battery explodes. Juniper attempts to hack them, which draws their attention. She apologizes in High Primordial, and the statue seems to blink. Rell uses a newfound ability to infuse his weapons with radiation. Juniper manages to convince the statues to accept her as a Progenitor and stand down. Their wounds start self-repairing. Martle leads the way down the hall and comes to a fork. To the right is a bright light and some cryogenic tubes, containing tieflings. She steps in, and notices the tieflings are slightly taller and more muscular. On the far end of the room is a monitor with several lines going across. Most are flat, but one appears to indicate a heartbeat.

Memorable Quotes
Jason: You know her keyboard's got hoho juice all over it too.

Theran: We're in a black hole. With a dragon. Do we wait for you to give the command for us to start shitting ourselves, or can we do that on our own discretion? Martle: Oh you can do that completely freely, but you're also the ones cleaning it up.

Boston: Juniper's gonna wiggle her happy little butt through the door. Rebecca: Martle's going to follow, mumbling under her breath, "She's on her own for a couple months, and she thinks that she can go in willy nilly even though she's a sorcerer, and squishy."

Rebecca: Hey Theran, come get one of these. Jason: That thing's way too big for me. Rebecca: That's quitter's talk.

Z: We're not here to harm you! [15 seconds later] Jason: "We're not here to harm you!" And then she whips the shit out of him. Natalia: I never said we're not here to harm you.

Trivia

 * Ben had advantage on Rell docking, giving him a 7 (nat 3) instead of a 5 (nat 1).
 * Theran asked, if all of space is spinning, what is it spinning in relation to? How is it even spinning? And Matt's brain broke.